Doing God's Work

What’s going on at Goldman Sachs? Are they really as evil as trader Greg Smith said in his very public resignation letter published in the New York Times? Or was it merely a case of sour grapes on the part of Mr. Smith, who, though he made $500,000 to $700,000 a year, failed to achieve Master of the Universe status at Goldman, where he is now being called a “disgruntled mid-level employee.”

To find out the truth, Domesticus decided to interview another trader at the busy firm. We caught up with Mr. Stikit Tuem as he was hastily clearing the remains of a Subway Spicy Italian sandwich from his desk.

Domesticus: Gee Mr. Tuem, you’re a top trader at the Big G–where’s the three-martini lunch?

ST: Are you kidding?! Our hours here are 7 to 12. That’s a.m. to a.m. Breakfast is a bowl of Wheaties at your desk. Lunch is Subway, and for dinner we get Chinese take-out. That’s our culture. We call it diligence.

Domesticus: I see. And speaking of culture and diligence, is it true that Goldman traders call their clients “muppets”?

ST: I’ve never used the term myself. It’s mostly the Brits who use it, even though the actual  Muppets were created right here in America! Over in India, they say “gandu,” and in South Africa, it’s “domkop.”   In China it’s sometimes “baichi” and sometimes “shazi.” We’re a global firm, you know.

Domesticus: How accurate was Matt Taibbi’s Rolling Stone article that called Goldman a “great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money”?

ST: He didn’t do his research. He doesn’t know the half of it. Goldman has been around since 1869 and has a very long and colorful history.

Domesticus: Are you saying–

ST’s Secratary,  poking her head in the door: Excuse me for interrupting, Mr. Tuem, but you’ve got a client on the line.

ST: On the line! Well, let’s reel him in! Is he a big fish?

ST’s Secretary: I’m not sure what you mean. He said he’s a childhood friend of your mother’s and he just lost his home to foreclosure. He’s considering bankruptcy and really needs some financial advice. He sounds pretty down, and said something regarding taking some pills and jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge if he can’t straighten out his affairs.

ST: The Brooklyn Bridge! How corny can you get?! Guy’s got the imagination of a slug! No wonder he’s bad off. Tell him I’m in a meeting.

ST’s Secretary: But what if he jumps?

ST: In a meeting, I said!

ST’s Secretary: Closes door and leaves.

ST: Let’s see, where were we?

Domesticus: We were on the culture at Goldman. What do you think about Fabulous Fab, who boasted of being the only one left standing when the market collapsed from all the exotic derivatives he created?

ST: Those Frogs. Always think they’re superior to everybody else. Well, look where he is now!

Domesticus: So I take it you’d agree with your chief executive’s statement that you are just bankers “doing God’s work.”

ST: Damn right! We bust our balls for our clients. And if those 404s don’t even realize it, they deserve to  have their eyeballs ripped out!

Domesticus: Thank you, Stikit Tuem. In just one short interview, you’ve taught us as much as we ever want to know on the subject of Goldman Sucks…er, Sachs. Have a great evening, and stay dry.

Miss Piggy and Kermit, photo by Ross Hawkes. Miss Piggy says, "The early bird gets the worm--which is what he deserves."