Once upon a time, an elementary school in Kirkland, Washington decided to put on a play about Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
They’d done it before. But this time, the school’s worried principal decided to edit out certain elements of the story, in light of the school’s human dignity and anti-bullying policies. Quite a hubbub ensued.
In fact, the story was
censored edited in such a thoughtful and sensitive manner that Domesticus immediately recognized the consulting firm the school must have hired to do it:
Here is a transcript of their work:
Larry [reading]: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Moe [tearing the script from Larry’s hands]: No! Gimme that, you nitwit! [Turns his attention to the script] We can’t say dwarfs.
Curly: Can we say dwarves?
Moe: No! We gotta use gentle woids, on account of the tender innocent ears of all them little pitchers out there. With mommies and daddies some ‘a which is legal types that can send the whole school board to Sing Sing if we ain’t careful.
Larry: How about The Seven Short People?
Moe [shaking head]: What do I do with such nincompoops? No, we can’t say short people, you idiot!
Curly: Why can’t we say short people?
Moe: On account of Randy Newman.
Larry: How about Snow White and the Vertically Challenged Helpers?
Curly: Helpers, now there’s a gentle woid.
Moe: Them elemen-ter-arry kids ain’t gonna figger that out. Plus, it don’t sound real gentle-like.
[A thoughtful pause. Moe and Larry squint in concentration. Larry takes a sip of water and smacks his lips. Curly leans back in his chair, puts his feet on the table and stretches his hands behind his head. As he does so, his elbow bangs Larry in the head.]
Larry: Hey, watch it, you! [Shoves Curly’s feet off the table.] Keep your hands to yourself!
Curly: Them ain’t gentle woids!
Moe: Shut up, you numbskulls! [Jumps between them and bashes their heads together.] Whatsa matter with you? Can’t you see we got woik to do? [Struts back to his seat.]
[Larry and Curly both rub their aching heads. Suddenly, Larry’s eyes light up, as though a genie has appeared to him.]
Larry: Hey! I got it!
Moe [leering]: Oh. A wise guy, eh?. Whadda you got, you miserable pink-faced monkey?
Curly: Them ain’t gentle –
Moe: Shut up, you numbskull! I’d knock your brains out, if you had any brains.
Larry: Are you ready? Snow White … and the Magnificent Seven!
Moe [hesitates a moment, then pounds his fist on the table, splashing water from Larry’s glass into his eyes]: Now you’re tawkin! [Rubs palms together.] In that fine spirit, let’s read through the rest of it and clean it all up for them poor innocent tykes.
[They huddle together over the script in silence.]
Curly: It says here that Sneezy calls Dopey stupid.
Moe: We can’t say stupid.
Curly: Why can’t we say stupid?
Moe: On account of it might offend some people who’s liable to take it poissonal.
Larry: Who would take it poissonal?
Moe: Why, the school board, you nitwit!
Curly: Look at this! This here girl is singin’ the praises of her coivy-coives!
Larry: Ooh, coivy-coives, where’s dat, lemme see dat!
Moe: We can’t have no coivy-coives.
Larry and Curly [faces fallen] Why not?
Moe: On account of it takes their innocent little minds away from the subject.
Larry: What is the subject?
Moe: You gotta whistle while you woik.
Curly: Some people can’t whistle.
Moe [rubbing his chin]: Hmmm … Maybe we oughta take that out. But we still got a nice little ditty at the end they can all relate to.
[Sings]: Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho! It’s home from school we go.
Where we rush to play our God of War and Grand Theft